i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
