I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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