eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
