Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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