he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
