the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
