I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He passed out mid-signature
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
