If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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