I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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