im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
