There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
