I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
