Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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