Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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