you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
