I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
