so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
