sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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