Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
