Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
