I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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