I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
