The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
