I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
