Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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