it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
