Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
