I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
