hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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