I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
