oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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