I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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