just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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