i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
