I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm passing your future prison.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm too high and old for this...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
