I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
