You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
