yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
