watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
