Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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