My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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