my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
