Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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