I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
