tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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