Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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