well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
