i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
