I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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