I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
