I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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