this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
